I am really hurt right now.

Actually no, I’m pissed the fuck off.

I have gone well out of my way–I have compensated so much–just to make sure they don’t ever have to feel the way I do on a DAILY BASIS.

I knew where their self esteems lie, so I made sure to dodge around any possible thing that could trigger that–even if it meant making myself look bad, or even if it meant swallowing my own anger and frustration.

This is all just too much for me to take in now. I feel like I’m about to boil over with all this pent up anger. I mean I deserve better than this right??? I have been such a great damn friend and sister, I have bent backwards and forwards for everyone and yet they treat me with such little regard and (probably unknowingly) say such vindictive things to me. And that’s also the thing, they don’t even think about what they’re saying to me or how they’re treating me. I feel like they have such little consideration for me even though I swallow so much pain for them. It’s just not fair. It’s like they think I’m a joke–like they don’t take me seriously because I’m always the one cracking jokes or not taking their comments seriously and just basically being optimistic as hell!

Is it so crazy that I think I deserve better?! 

Honestly, I wish I was around more people with a fucking self esteem.

I’m tired of trying to deal with everyone else’s twisted personal issues. Just because you all have the confidence of a garbage truck does not mean I have to be dragged down with you to suffer that.

I deserve better…I’m done. I’m out of all this.

It’s been a WHILE!!

Sorry, I haven’t posted in months!
I guess college is a lot more work than I anticipated.
A lot of growing up has been done, that’s for sure. I still need a lot of work though ^^”’ admittedly…

I’ve been pretty stressed from school, but I think I have coped with it fairly well. I went through this ‘crossroads’ phase that I’m sure the majority of college students faced: aspiring towards your dreams vs. settling with reality.

And at first I decided in favor or practicality and tried to declare my major in Business Management, but when I scheduled my appointment with the Management advisor, he never even showed up!!
I waited…an entire hour…for this guy…
Like seriously you had one job…..
where the balls are yOUUU????

So anyways, as I stood there in front of his office door, it hit me.
Maybe there is a God given reason as to why this appointment totally fell through….
Maybe! It’s because this is God’s way of getting me to realize this is not the path I should be taking! This debacle has made me come to senses, it has opened my eyes to the fact that I am completely abandoning everything I dreamed of for my life, because I got it drilled into my head that I had to be “REALISTIC”.

But you know, I don’t want to settle for a life that sure, is secure and more practical, but like…I won’t be happy…I won’t feel fulfilled.
I know the art and design field isn’t always the most secure or well paid career. But I mean I figure that I might as well take the risk! Go all in and major in Design! Because if I won’t be satisfied with my life, then what’s the point of being stable. I rather roll the dice on this one because art is something that I truly love and feel like I’m actually good at and would love waking up every morning to do for a living no matter what my paycheck is going to be.
I’m not planning on getting married or raising/supporting a family anyways, or living in a huge, luxurious house, or having this high-society lifestyle.
I just refuse to settle for less than what I want out of life.

And this can all actually make me seem even more naive, like as if I haven’t grown up at all.
But I don’t know, in my opinion this is growing. Knowing what I want, as well as realizing the consequences.
If this life is truly meant for me, then it will be. I have faith in this.

Also because I am still minoring in Business Management at least!
I’m not a total incompetent!

Late night blogging on tumblr does this to me

also i am so tired of being awkward i know tumblr or just the internet in general tends to glorify socially awkward people but it’s really not even as interesting as it may for some reason seem it is not adorable or quirky in a cool way like in anime or on those romantic comedies with j-lo like it is actually THE MOST annoying thing in my life rn i swear i do something so horrifically stupid and embarrassing every SINGLE time i go out in public and am i proud of it???NO is it fun???HELL FUCKING NO IT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY LIKE YOU THINK I WOULD LEARN BY NOW HOW TO ACT FUCKING NORMAL BUT NO I ALWAYS STILL COME OFF AS FUCKING WEIRD AND I’M JUST FED UP WITH MY COMPLETE LACK OF SOCIAL AND BODILY GRACES IT IS NOT CUTE AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD I AM FED UP WITH BEING SUCH A LOSER ALL THE FUCKING TIME LIKE NO MATTER WHERE I GO NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SOMETHING DIFFERENT IT DOESN’T MATTER COS I NEVER CHANGE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME STORY IN NY AS I HAVE HERE IN VA
THE ENVIRONMENT ISN’T THE PROBLEM I AM THE PROBLEM
I CAN GO WHEREVER I WANT AND STILL BE A GODDAMN TRAIN-WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING
THAT IS MY STORY
AND IT’S ANNOYING I HATE IT GOOD NIGHT

First week of college (super condensed version BELIEVE IT OR NOT!)

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while…! (if anyone even noticed?) College is such a handful ;3; I feel overwhelmed with managing all the responsibilities I have!!

I just endured my very first week of college ever and to sum it up in one word, I would say: WEIRD.

The first day was awkward and just…surreal. I felt a little uncomfortable being in a new environment with thousands and THOUSANDS of people I do not know. In a weird way, being surrounded by all these unfamiliar faces //one face never the same as the other// I just start to feel indifferent towards people like not a single emotion is strung up when I see a person–not like in high school where I sort of take a slight bit of time to get a vibe or something out of any person I come across in the halls.
I mean I saw a couple familiar faces but…well lets just say they weren’t the faces I wanted to see! Like this one girl who hated me for WHATEVER REASON in high school is in my math class…idk why she doesn’t like me I’ve never said two words to her back then ~___~ just whatever right? idc

It’s just strange…college…Overall the first day I felt a sense of loneliness and insignificance, like I’m just blurred into the background with the rest of the hundred and thousands of other students roaming around campus. Most of the dettachment I felt from this first day is knowing that I’m a commuter, so I don’t live and spend all my time on campus and have a built in connection with room mates or people living in the same building as me—basically I have no sense of community here, after my classes are over I just drive straight home in the next city over.
I never even really liked my college in the first place too..which also explains my lack of enthusiasm. I’m only stuck here for financial…reasons… (T ^ T)

The second day managed to trump the first. I was bombarded with all this work and complications regarding my classes and basically feeling inadequate in my own abilities which is the worst feeling in the world //feeling like you seriously just CAN’T do something you really want to do// not because of outside factors but inner–as in YOU are the only factor that’s keeping YOU from getting what you want. It feels totally helpless like how can you fix that….

But the third day was actually surprisingly good! I came into this third day (a Friday btw since i only have classes MWF) with an optimistic outlook. I didn’t want the crappyness of the two other days throwing me off my game! I even dressed up really cute and everything~~ because as long as I look stylish nothing can really bring me down o(｀ω´ )o

And NOTHING DID!! Thank you Max&Co. midi dress!!!!! One of a kind designer clothes always do the trick ;u;

After my first class I ran into a really good friend of mine who I haven’t seen since middle school! It was really great cos she’s actually one of the few people I was actually glad to know and it was just really delightful and she was just perfect and nice and complimented my outfit (like of course cos it’s designer…from japan how can you not right *haughty rich people laugh* ironic cos i’m not rich…at all) but anyways I couldn’t help but smile all dumb the rest of the way to my next class after that encounter~ //
Classes were busy but I guess I got used to the college flow, as in no more mini anxiety attacks upon entering each class. Still a lot of work though…..ugh i hate it (￣^￣)…
But after all my classes were done I decided to hang out at this trendy bookstore until my sister and friend (we carpool together) were done with their last class. I typed some stuff for my story on my laptop, got a mocha frap from starbucks {basically looking like a trendy college girl} when suddenly another two of my good friends spotted me and was all heeeyyyy!!!! Like we’ve been trying to catch each other around campus since the week started but always seemed to miss each other! And now we had our little reunion finally and it was super cool and then my sister and two of her friends met up with us and we talked and laughed and had a fun time it was just nice and for the first time that week I finally felt like I can handle this new change.

I mean an annoying part of me will always can’t help but feel slightly inadequate and lonely and “black sheep”ish but…it’ll be fine. I can get past this. The moral of this week is ENDURANCE!!

And the moral of the story this week is….

PATIENCE!

All this time I have been frustrated with how uneventful this year has been so far for me, more especially this summer. I feel like all I have ever been doing is day dreaming and waiting around for something amazing to happen to me, but I found that I have only met the bitter disappointment of reality that everything I have planned out has fallen apart and collapsed, shaking the ground beneath my feet.

I started becoming really scared. Scared that this was going to be my story. Dreaming and planning and hoping for things that end up going completely awry and fate finding it’s way to keep me from achieving anything I ever wanted.

I guess I started getting a little depressed because of this too. I am not exaggerating when I say literally EVERYTHING from plan A-Z has fallen completely apart!!

My vacation trip back home to Japan, my trip back to the Philippines to attend my favorite Aunt’s wedding, our plan C trip to New York even!!, road trips, beach parties, amusement parks, haunted historical site seeing, freaking Hokkaaido Sushi AKA THE RESTURANT WITH THE BEST CHICKEN KATSU

IN THE WORLDDD!!!

DIDN’T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT NOPE!!!

BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.

Like maybe Anna wasn’t offered that job because an even better and more suited career was waiting for her—

or maybe Henry and Clara didn’t work out because Henry was destined to be with Julia instead???

I don’t know why I’m using these random names like I’m really bad at explaining things BUT YOU GET IT RIGHT??

What I’m trying to say is that maybe the reason why this summer has been the MOST uneventful summer break of my entire life—the reason why all I ever did these past 2 months is bum around at home being bored and lazy as hell with my family—is all because well, college is starting for me in 2 weeks! My very first year into this new chapter in my life. I have a feeling that once college starts, I will constantly be busy–be constantly on the go–juggling studies with financial responsibilities, and God knows what opportunities being thrown at me while in school! I will definitely start working again soon after school starts and I will be surrounded by my career goals; like networking and gaining more experience and important contacts; and just I know this is a mouthful but I really have a strong feeling that things are really going to start happening for me! My whole life will just start unfolding before me and there will be no where to go for me but forward and basically I feel like God has given me this whole summer of freedom and doing absolutely nothing but lounging with family because this may be the last time ever that I will have down time like this and he’s just trying to get me to appreciate and savor all the moments of this family time and having not a worry in the world because he knows that life will start getting so much more fast-paced and extraordinary for me and I may be away from family for a long time one day and just yeah!!!

I am rambling!!!

But I hope this makes sense…somewhat ;^; !!

I am like…like potential energy! Simply building up the momentum for the life that is ahead of me—–as in pretty much 2 weeks {August 26 to be more exact}.

The moral of the story this week is patience. It’s finding meaning in every obstacle that is tossed at me. It is learning to deal with the hand I’ve been dealt and making sense out of it.

Because God has plans for every single one of us!!

I always feel like there’s this ‘moral of the story’ at the end of every day or week

but then again I often times relate my life to ugly betty
i just really like that show it speaks to me (T ^ T) i have learned so much from watching it
ugly betty deserved so much more than to be aired on tv guide ;3;

So here’s the skinny

I am literally too lazy to socialize with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too lazy to respond to texts, tumblr messages, facebook, phone calls, the front door…………..??!?!?
I’m a freaking hermit I am ONE) ignoring the crap out of that one guy who asked me out a while back because really he is still trying to text me constantly like we’re a damn couple like no that is not okay i need to shut that down
and i am
by just ignoring his existence sorry
it’s harsh but it’s for his own good
TWO) i am like crossing my fingers prayinggg that this one girl…who i guess is my friend sort of.. [idk she’s so mean and annoying to me most of the time] to not get accepted to the same college i am going to because she wants to carpool with me cos she’s too afraid to drive on her own to commute to the campus and like i really do not want to be around this chick EVERY DAY and like be her chauffeur??? You know?!! Like ok you’re really rude to me a lot and you always find ways to pick at my flaws and flaunt them to people and you’re just a grade A salty bitch who is clearly jealous of meeeee BUT ANYWAYS YEAH WHY SHOULD I SPEND ANY MORE TIME AND EFFORT TO BE AROUND THAT NEGATIVITY YOU BETTER BOSS UP AND DEAL WITH DRIVING YO SELF BBIIITTTCCCHHHHhhhHhh
so…like even if she does get accepted i hope i could dodge this bullet…….somehow…i think i’ll start by gradually ignoring her too or like getting her to become bored of me that usually works

So that is the skinny so far with my uneventful life
my mom is on board with me getting my own apartment in new york btw bless the heavens good byeeeeeee

I ended up not going out with that guy

It was just not right I couldn’t do it. I know I was never much of a romantic person to begin with–and that may have a lot to do with why I didn’t let impulse and feeling take over in this decision. But I am also a very independent person and a strong believer of not having anything hold you down. Especially at the point in life I am in right now. I am about to attend my first year in college this August and I have a lot of plans for my future [career wise] and being in any sort of relationship isn’t part of it.
A friend of mine told me that I should still give him and chance because he’s a nice guy and I need the experience. That really irked me because I’m pretty sure I have told her SEVERAL TIMES that I am and always has been single by choice and that I don’t need male attention to make me happy [like she freaking does all the time]. I do not need any experience with that right now, there are far more important things going on in my life that I want to give my undivided attention to. I am trying to build my LIFE over here, I don’t want or need a boyfriend to distract me from my studies.
I like to have fun, sure! But relationships are a commitment, they take a lot of time and effort and I’m sorry but I have my hands tied here I am dreaming way too big, there is no room in my heart for a boy right now! The guy would have to be pretty damn worth it to get my attention—like Sam freaking Witwer!
It irritates me that she doesn’t understand that.

Even if I slightly considered getting into a relationship, I wouldn’t want to settle with the first guy that gives even the slightest bit of attention to me! I’m sorry but I have standards!! No one should have to settle with less than what they want! Obviously if I was in love with someone I would do whatever I can to fit this guy into my life—but since I could care less about whether I ever even see him again or not THEN IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S NOT THE ONE!
I know when to cut my losses. I call it how I see it and trust me I am not seeing it. Excuse me if I sound like a total bitch but why should I have to settle??? I’M REALLY FRUSTRATED WITH HER SHE IS SO BASICCCC

If you ain’t talkin money i don’t wanna taaaallkk

I’m already seeing a pattern in my life, and i’m only 18. It consists of constantly making plans but nothing ever happening.
I’m so afraid that my life will end up being me having all these big dreams that become nothing other than just that.
Dreaming and setting goals with obstacles constantly getting in the way and being side reeled by something less important…I can’t let that be my story, only dreams..it’s horrifying.

At the end of the day

I still got the few good friends that I have, a roof over my head, a loving family, a dream, and the means to make that dream a reality.

Even in this world where people can be cynical– sick with darkness –and times can be unjust and cruel, humanity has this unrelenting desire to keep living on anyways– and to fight! Fight to find the beauty in all the ugliness; to ultimately find purpose out of the unsuspecting skies and grass and trees.

Because at the end of day, all these seemingly little things is all we have to look forward to in our lives; the people we meet along the way who each shape our character, the obstacles we face that each shape our strength, and all the skies and grass and trees that we can find comfort in when we take in the scenery with a deep breath and find it in ourselves to conjure up purpose out of this nothing endless darkness that was once the universe before God created the world for us.