Late night blogging on tumblr does this to me

also i am so tired of being awkward i know tumblr or just the internet in general tends to glorify socially awkward people but it’s really not even as interesting as it may for some reason seem it is not adorable or quirky in a cool way like in anime or on those romantic comedies with j-lo like it is actually THE MOST annoying thing in my life rn i swear i do something so horrifically stupid and embarrassing every SINGLE time i go out in public and am i proud of it???NO is it fun???HELL FUCKING NO IT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY LIKE YOU THINK I WOULD LEARN BY NOW HOW TO ACT FUCKING NORMAL BUT NO I ALWAYS STILL COME OFF AS FUCKING WEIRD AND I’M JUST FED UP WITH MY COMPLETE LACK OF SOCIAL AND BODILY GRACES IT IS NOT CUTE AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD I AM FED UP WITH BEING SUCH A LOSER ALL THE FUCKING TIME LIKE NO MATTER WHERE I GO NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SOMETHING DIFFERENT IT DOESN’T MATTER COS I NEVER CHANGE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME STORY IN NY AS I HAVE HERE IN VA
THE ENVIRONMENT ISN’T THE PROBLEM I AM THE PROBLEM
I CAN GO WHEREVER I WANT AND STILL BE A GODDAMN TRAIN-WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING
THAT IS MY STORY
AND IT’S ANNOYING I HATE IT GOOD NIGHT

Wowowow!!

It’s been a while! ish..! How is everyone doing~?

I’ve been dealing with a lot of errands mainly involving preparations for school~~which is starting this coming Monday!

College is already stressful and the year hasn’t even started…..amazing

This week really did a number on me. For one, opportunities just magically popping into my lap

or rather in the mail

and two, some difficult decisions having to be made.

If anything, these past few days I learned the true and unpleasant meaning of sacrifice and making difficult decisions.

It turns out I may have to bump my big master plan of moving to New York a heck of a lot sooner than I originally had in mind {because of…reasons} I have to start looking at transferring to another University by next fall!! It’s like I have to relive the whole college application process of senior year all over again. Not something I really wanted to spend my first year of college doing but you know….S A C R I F I C E S

one of the many sacrifices that I have to endure for this year

The life I really want in NY is a pretty expensive one, I knew that getting into this, and I knew that I would have to work my ass off to get there

and just getting there may be the easiest part

I can’t even imagine how I’m supposed to survive even living there

the first year may be the hardest ever

I’ll virtually be alone {except with my sister…maybe 50/50 chance on that one}

I’ll be living paycheck to paycheck if I even manage to find work there!

So basically I have to live off my savings which is basically built up of this one year’s worth of college refund money and every cent I make from part time jobs

and maybe this teen pageant I’ve been invited to compete in……

oh yeah did I forget to mention someone nominated me to enter this pageant??

$30,000 prize

It’s just too random! Especially since they don’t tell you who nominated you!

But of course I’m going to do it! I have to take any opportunity on making this big move easier on me!

Anyways back to the gruesome picture of my first possible year in the big city…

It’s just really going to take everything I have! And it’s going to be scary and it’s going to get really hard and there’s probably going to be times where I will miss the comfort of my home and maybe even ask myself “what have I done??!?!”

but that’s why this move is absolutely worth it! Because it IS so scary and because it DOES seem so unattainable and because it IS just so big! Regardless this has been my dream–my dream career thrives in this place and living in such an inspiring atmosphere is like heaven for a young artist who can only be sustained by nothing other than inspiration–and if it means living at borderline poverty here and maybe having to sacrifice splurging money for my fashion cravings and other material things and eating only 60 cent ramen from k town for months and months then fine! A dream is something you’d be willing to ‘start from the bottom’ for and risk humiliation for and work day and night for and study really hard for and put basically everything on the line for!

I AM DOING THIS DAMMIT!! I AM GOING TO WORK MY HARDEST FOR THIS BECAUSE THIS IS MY DREAM.

AND I KNOW SAYING ALL THIS JUST MAKES ME SOUND MORE NAIVE AND CHILDISH BUT WHAT BETTER TEACHER IS THERE FOR A PERSON THAN BRTUAL EXPERIENCE RIGHT

BUT ANYWAYS FORREAL DO I LOOK LIKE THE NEXT MISS TEEN NORFOLK TO YOU?? I DON’T EVEN KNOW

INTERVIEW WITH THE JUDGES IS THIS FRIDAY HELP I’VE NEVER BEEN IN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO